The main issue with his general advice is the implication that men and women need fundamentally different things in relationship.
While men might sometimes need distance, this is also true of women, and while women might at times have a strong need for connection, so might men.
Rather, he says that periodically men need space (pretty true in my experience) and that periodically women have a strong need for connection (also true in my experience).
In my relationships it's always been clear that I need to make sure I'm giving my partner the emotional intimacy that she needs, and that sometimes I'm going to become distant and she needs to understand that it's not about her, I just need some space to ponder life, the universe and everything.
He refers to this According to Gottman, taking a break during an argument to cool down can be beneficial because it is counterproductive to discuss relationship issues when things get too heated. Are there 'his' and 'hers' types of interdependence?
Stonewalling, however, is not beneficial for relationships. The implications of gender differences in collective versus relational interdependence for affect, behavior, and cognition.
No one deserves to be out and out ignored just because their partner doesn't feel like trying.
One of the most powerful concepts in that book is men are like rubber bands.
His advice also privileges the “male” way of being in a relationship, essentially telling women that if they want to be in a committed relationship with a man, then they simply need to accept being ignored and rejected when their guy feels like pulling away. Focusing exclusively on gender limits our understanding of romantic relationships Although we occasionally find that men’s and women’s approaches to, thoughts about, and behaviors in relationships differ in some respects, presenting men and women as being from different planets and speaking different languages is untrue and potentially damaging for relationships - it suggests that men and women cannot communicate with each other to solve issues, be equal partners, or both get their needs met in a relationship.
Conversely, many researchers have presented the gender which comes from theory that suggests men and women are in fact from the same planet (you may know it as “Earth”) and that most gender differences we do see are actually very small in magnitude. Even if the “rubber band theory” were accurate (which it is not), Gray’s suggestion would ultimately harm relationships Dr.
John Gottman, a couples therapist and researcher (who actually has a legitimate Ph.
D.), has found that one partner pulling away or shutting down is bad for relationships.
Independence is not just for men Attachment theory suggests that a good relationship is one in which partners are always comfortable turning to each other for support.